I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
