I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
