I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
