The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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