tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
