Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
