i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
