How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Randomize
