About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You should frame my arrest warrant.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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