Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
