I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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