Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize