whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
