i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
