I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
