While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
