So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
