You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
