Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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