also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
