He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
