I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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