she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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