I look better un-naked...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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