where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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