New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
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