Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
