I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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