where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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