do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
