No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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