My friends, they love my intelligence
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize