You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
