I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
