did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
