Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
