I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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