So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
