You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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