You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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