Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
