If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
