wat bout pragnant strippers??
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
