I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
we made out on top of his cat.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm passing your future prison.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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