If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
