His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
