The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
