Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
