your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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