I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
