you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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