mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
