summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
