I just cut my nipple shaving
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
you win again, gameday.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
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