so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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