Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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