i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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