Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
