Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
