I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
