I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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