i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
