what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
