Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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